Mak-tivism: 100 Unhappy Meals – a random table for Unknown Armies

Toiling away, seldom even coming close to minimum wage, MakAttaxers wield surprising magickal powers. Imbuing random meals they serve with magickal charges, some of the effects can be outrageous, while others will be barely noticed.

How to use the table:
Roll 2D100. The result of the first die determines the effect. The result of the second die determines the duration in hours. If roll 100 on the second die, roll the die again and add the second result to the first.
Some of the effects are instantaneous. For them, ignore the second die.

Designer’s note:
The wording in the table has been left vague and ambiguous in most instances. This should leave room to tailor this to your game and even provide plot hooks.
Another note on the duration of the effect: We did not lawyer-proof the wording for the above reasons, so there is not necessarily a uniform vocabulary at work. Other games would have tried to use a word like “instantaneous”. “You receive a phone call from a dead relative.” might be worded as “You receive a phone call with an unknown number instantaneously. Should you pick up, a dead relative is on the other line.” The first is – by design – more ambiguous, while the other conveys more information but is clunky. In addition, this also represents the fickle nature of the magick MakAttaxers use: the phone call could be from a dead aunt, a dead mother or even from inside the house, so even rolling for the same effect over and over, there is enough room for re-playability.

1 You can talk to snakes.
2 Snakes can talk to you.
3 Everytime you pass a mirror,you can see a reflection of your future-self 5 minutes into the future.
4 Every liquid you consume tastes of love lost during times of war.
5 You have total recall.
6 Birds follow you.
7 You fall unconscious and wake up with the memories of Alex Abel from the time you were unconscious.
8 The presidents on your dollar bills tell you their darkest secret when you ask them.
9 Every mode of transportation you engage in suffers an accident which you survive untouched.
10 Your mother’s phone number has been changed in your mobile phone to the coordinates corresponding to the Necronomicon’s current location.
11 You win the next game of chess you play.
12 Writing on your liver spells out the long-term prospects of the business ventures of the person viewing it.
13 You can see the tracks of unnatural creatures as blotches of color.
14 A random stress meter of yours fills up with hardened notches. You also feel cold and shiver constantly.
15 All your stress meters fills up with hardened notches. Also, you become ectothermic.
16 You fall in love with the next person you touch.
17 The next person you touch falls in love with you.
18 Your tears are a cure for HER2- breast cancers.
19 Murdering you generates a major charge for your murderer.
20 Speaking to you breaks taboo. Any taboo.
21 You gain access to a randomly determined avatar channel via one of your identities.
22 Knifes do damage as guns in your hands.
23 An old friend pays you a visit.
24 A dead relative calls you and offers advice.
25 Your sweat smells of cinnamon.
26 Making you forswear your noble passion generates a significant charge.
27 The police mistakes you for a most-wanted criminal.
28 A randomly determined adept spell takes effect right away without needing any charges.
29 One of your eyes changes color.
30 Your spittle is 40% proof alcohol. Yes, you can get drunk on this yourself. In fact, you will.
31 The next dog you touch turns to diamond.
32 An esoteric neo-nazi cult recognizes you as the second coming of the Führer.
33 You may flip flop your next roll.
34 You feel compelled to live according to Torahic law.
35 The next time you play monopoly, the first card you draw actually happens to you.
36 You become lefthanded. If you already are lefthanded, your right hand shrivels and falls off.
37 Your perception becomes synaesthetic.
38 You become invisible to the invisible clergy.
39 Pigeons prefer to roost on you.
40 You lose 20 pounds.
41 You find 20 pounds.
42 If you prick your finger, a small garnet appears instead of a drop of blood.
43 You can translate the Voynich manuscript.
44 You can die in your next dream.
45 You may use kids’ balloons to fly.
46 The next time you are hit by a hammer, the hammer breaks and you suffer no damage.
47 Licking your skin is addictive.
48 Your ability to play a musical instrument is changed to another random musical instrument.
49 You meet the antagonist of your favourite book.
50 Your lighters never run out of fuel. You can no longer ignite matches.
51 Cats hate you.
52 Sharks avoid you.
53 You are immune to all toxins. Yes this includes alcohol and your favourite synthetic drugs as well. Actually, all drugs are affected.
54 The next plant you water becomes immortal.
55 When talking to somebody, you know that person’s romantic interest.
56 Elevator music becomes your favorite music. It is so soothing to you, that every 333 stories you travel in an elevator with music playing, you may remove one failed or hardened notch from any meter.
57 Photographs taken of you also show Amelia Earhart. She looks happy.
58 You instinctively know the tastiest way to prepare new people you meet. Eating human flesh generates a significant charge for you.
59 Your fear passion becomes your noble passion and vice versa.
60 You can turn water into gasoline.
61 You can reattach your fingers and toes if severed.
62 Eating non-halal food breaks your taboo.
63 Traffic lights turn green when you approach. Unless you are in a hurry.
64 You know all passwords and login data of the next person you kiss.
65 Your navel connects to the keyhole of your bathroom door. This works both ways.
66 Your evil twin suddenly realizes your existence and starts plotting to murder you.
67 The next time you take damage, your Wound Threshold permanently increases by the same amount.
68 If male, one of your balls turns into solid steel. Otherwise, you automatically pass the next stress check connected to your Fear passion.
69 You need to find the Holy Grail. This is your new Obsession.
70 Roll again. The effect of the next roll triggers in 24 hours.
71 You know Kung-Fu. You gain 8% in an appropriate identity. A new one is created if none such idenitiy exists yet.
72 The percentages of two of your identities are exchanged for one another.
73 You remember the names and faces of all victims of war crimes or genocide comitted in the name of your parents’ home countries.
74 The last car you sat in now runs on jet fuel.
75 Your favorite song plays on the radio.
76 You understand whale song. When you listen to whale song for 15 minutes, you can remove one hardened notch from the Unnatural meter.
77 Each time you suck on your thumb, a young bee queen pops from your mouth along with your thumb.
78 The next dead meat (of any origin) you touch will tell you what killed it.
79 People are just mortally afraid you. You may coerce any of their meters without ever making a threat or taking any action.
80 The right shoe of your favourite pair now has the right ring finger of the person who made the shoe enclosed in its sole.
81 Your favourite actor sends you an autographed headshot with a non-sensical message. The message is written in cypher and asks for help.
82 You know who will ascend to the invisible clergy next. You know where and when they live.
83 All eggs in your last home have been replaced with fertilized human eggs.
84 Next time you turn on a TV, the local news channel will run an investigative exposé on you prooving you to be Elvis re-incarnated.
85 You feel like you are suffocating, while your body takes no physical harm.
86 Bleeding cannot be staunched in your presence.
87 The fries from your special order turn into gold in your stomach.
88 You know every sure of the original Quran by heart in Arabic. Their meaning eludes you unless you know Arabic. Only a third matches any of the major translations.
89 You forget what sadness feels like.
90 You can smell leukemia.
91 The percentage of one of your relationships raises to 91%. The percentage of another of your relationships drops to 19%.
92 Roll again. The effect of the next roll becomes permanent.
93 Somewhere, a maternity ward is named after you.
94 Roll again. You are aware of the effect of this next roll and of its duration.
95 Roll again. Both the roll and its flip flop take effect.
96 Every text message you send contains a piece of your soul.
97 You experience an intense orgasm.
98 Police ignore you driving faster than the speed limit.
99 Wayne Gretzky invites you to his birthday party. The invitation tells you to bring a gun, two knives and a German bible from 1534 as translated by Marthin Luther.
100 You find a bag full of 100 random items. They are components for use in 100 random rituals.

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